did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
