I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
