I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
