I want to have your abortion
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
