I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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