Your face is a jimmy john
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
