the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My vagina is officially offended.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
