im about as happy as oj after his trial
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
