he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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