So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize