i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
