my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
