Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
