check it out our google latitudes are spooning
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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