shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I need a beard to bite.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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