my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
