Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Randomize
