I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
