my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Holy shit dude........stairs
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
