; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
