i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
