I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
