you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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