I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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