I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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