She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
