smell my finger.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
