Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
