I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
