im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
