Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
