dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
she woke up with a sticky ear
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
