Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
