I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize