It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
