Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
