I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
