I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
