Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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