Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
