why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
