Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
