Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
