Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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