I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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