Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
