hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
