In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
