rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize