Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
