It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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