you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Sober January is a disaster.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
