i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
