I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
