i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
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If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You may now shotgun with the bride
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It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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