nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
