Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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