yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
