My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
