Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I got inside last night via doggy door
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
