I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
