Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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