Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
